Coming to Terms

It’s been almost a month since I began cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and it’s going quite well. CBT suits me quite well: it is about curiosity. Investigating my own mood. Developing noticing skills. Identifying automatic thoughts. Categorizing them. Staying non-judgemental.

All that fits with my whole **waves hands** you know, my whole thing. Being curious. Not judging, just observing. And part of that observation is coming to terms with just how fucked up depression has made me.

I thought that feeling totally okay was within reach, that I just needed a little nudge, but that’s not the case. Only after the past month of recording my thoughts, feelings, and behaviours when depressions strikes have I noticed patterns and trends throughout all aspects of my life.

One area I was really surprised by depressions influence over was work at Artsy. I won’t go into details, but depression has severely tempered my enthusiasm for working. I love my job and I’m frankly pissed off that depression has degraded how I enjoy my work. It was shocking to realize how extensively depression had affected me at work. But now that I’m aware of it, I’m already a lot closer to regaining my enthusiasm.

I’m still building a complete picture of how (and how extensively) depression has warped my day-to-day experiences, but I have a renewed sense of hope that things will get better. More than just hope, I now have a strong desire to improve my mood. Depression sucked a lot of joy out of my twenties and I won’t let it continue to rob me of the happiness I deserve.

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