I’ve been open about my recent changes to antidepressant medications and I wanted to provide an update about how things are going. In a word: well. Things are going well. A lot better than they’ve gone in a long time, in fact. I attribute this improvement to a recent change in medication.
Depression saps energy from me. There are days I can’t even get out of bed because it takes too much energy. What I miss most about not having depression is the abundance of things to do. There were days in university where I would stay up all night configuring drivers for a hackintosh because I was just so excited to do it. Or times in Toronto when I’d walk myself to exhaustion taking photos all day, I just couldn’t stop.
I miss feeling compelled to do something: the ecstasy of borderline mania that accompanies me when I’m accomplishing something I have my heart set on.
Well lately I’ve been feeling a trickle of that energy. Not a lot, but more than, you know, none. I’m excited about the projects I get to work on at Artsy, I’m writing on this blog more I’m taking guitar lessons, I’m hosting an OSS social network for crying out loud.
For the first time in a while, the things I’m excited to do exceed the number of hours I have to spend on them. I’m excited to play guitar, but also excited to write this blog post. I have to pick one, and here we are.
Oddly enough, it’s introducing some FOMO and I’m having a hard time dealing with that kind of anxiety. This is progress. Recovery isn’t a straight line, and if my recouped energy leads me to a little anxiety around what to spend my time on, well then I’ll have to deal with that. No problem.